


Chasing Memories

by joz_stankovich (joz_rose)



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Canon Divergence, Other, Spoilers, light fluff and smut, nonbinary apprentice, post Julian's Chariot route
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-06
Updated: 2017-12-06
Packaged: 2019-02-11 08:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12931560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joz_rose/pseuds/joz_stankovich
Summary: That night after Julian walks them home from the docks, a grief-stricken Joss has a dream that may be more than just a dream.





	Chasing Memories

**Author's Note:**

> I feel like every Arcana drabble I write is prefaced by I have no idea what this is or where its going. I know canon is probably going to swoop in and render all of this irrelevant, but I’m gunna write it anyway. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

    Sleep was slow in coming.  
  
    Every time Joss closed their eyes Julian’s pained expression was there, waiting for them; replaying over and over as he turned away from them, leaving them standing alone on the shop’s step to helplessly watch him disappear into the darkness.  
  
    The rain began not long after Joss dragged themself up the worn stairs to bed, discarding their clothes in a trail across the floor.  Even Asra’s special tea coupled with the soothing sound of the rain pattering against the windowpane couldn’t help calm them.  Several times Joss almost called out for Asra; maybe talking about it would help loosen the tightness in their chest.  But then the thought of him knowing about them and Julian, after all the secrets he’d been keeping made something in their stomach twist and they kept silent, deciding to bear their pain alone.  
  
    Joss buried their face into the pile of pillows as a fresh wave of sobs overtook them.  Faust slithered on to the bed to curl around their arm protectively.  “Oh, so you’re done gossiping about me to Asra now, huh?” they huffed in a thick voice, rubbing at their damp eyes.  The snake lowered her head as if ashamed and Joss found they couldn’t stay upset with the familiar.  
  
    “I’m sorry Faust,” they mumbled and gently rubbed their finger under the snake’s head.  “I know Asra’s worried about me, but I’m not exactly happy with him right now.”  Their words were punctuated by a loud sniffle.  “There’s too much he’s not telling me, I just know it… and its _frustrating_.  Oh, why'd he have to leave just when everything started happening.  Just when I needed him the most.”  
  
    Faust bobbed her head sympathetically and squeezed Joss’s arm a little tighter.  “What’s the matter with me Faust?” Joss sighed in exasperation; squeezing their eyes shut.  “I know I’ve only known Julian a few days and I’m not the type of person that falls in love at the drop of a hat… so why does this hurt _so_ much?”  They felt hot tears begin to prick at their eyes again.  “I feel so foolish, but-but I just miss him so mu-uch.”  
  
    Faust, not knowing how else to help slipped from their arm up to their shoulder, snuggling closer until Joss’s tears finally subsided into sleep.  
  


* * *

 

  
    Joss opened their eyes with a start. _This isn’t my room._   Blinking against the encroaching dimness they turned their head, quickly scanning their surroundings.  To either side of them, long rows of bookshelves stretched out of sight into foggy depths.  
  
_A library?_   they thought, peering at the books in front of them.  The titles on the bindings were fuzzy and indistinct, just out of focus enough as to render them incomprehensible.  Joss jerked back from the shelf, feeling unease settle on them like a chill in the air.  Their ears pricked at the distant murmur of voices, drawing them through the maze of shelves.  Joss listened closely, straining their ears to follow the voices as they grew louder.  
  
    Finally stepping out into the open, Joss knew exactly where they were.  Even though the room was hazier than usual, pale light filtered down from the large stained glass window overlooking the center of the room to dance across the rich designs on the carpet beneath it.  
  
    The palace library.  
  
    The voices were now loud enough that Joss could almost make out the words.  Curious, they stepped around the corner toward the alcove that housed Julian’s desk, and froze.  Seated at the desk was no other than Dr. Devorak himself - Joss would recognize that fiery shock of curls and those broad shoulders anywhere.  But it wasn’t Julian that brought them up short, their mouth hanging open in confusion.  Seated next to him, their chair pushed so close to his that the legs were nearly tangled together… was _themself._  
  
    They were half standing, half kneeling on the edge of their chair, leaning over the desk to rifle through a pile of papers, letting out a sharp ‘aha!’ as they plucked one from the stack to spread out on top of the book in front of Julian.  
  
    Joss moved closer, circling around the desk to get a better look.  The phantom in front of them was definitely them; the same two-tone hair pulled back in a messy bun at the nape of their neck, same broad round wire spectacles slipping down the bridge of their nose, and the same bright mismatched eyes that were now scanning the page in front of them.  
  
    But this was a dream.  _Wasn’t it?_  
  
    Joss had never been to the palace before this past week, and they’d only met Julian around the same time, but _this_ Julian clearly still had both of his eyes, and Joss had never been an outsider looking in in any of their _other_ dreams.  No, this felt more like watching a memory.  
  
    “Ilya, are you paying attention?” Dream-Joss’s voice brought them out of their thoughts to watch the scene in front of them enfold.  
  
    “Of course I’m paying attention,” Julian answered smoothly, but he was still gazing dreamily at their face.  
  
    Dream-Joss straightened to place fists on hips, and turned to cock an eyebrow at him, leaning back against the edge of the desk.  “Oh really, so what did I just say then?”  
  
    “You said…” Julian hesitated, his grin faltering for a moment before it returned at full force.  “Oh alright, you caught me.  I can’t help it that you’re so breathtakingly distracting.”  Dream-Joss rolled their eyes, but grinned, their face flushing slightly.  “Besides, its been too long since I’ve seen you.  You’ve been working at the Lazaret for nearly a month straight.”  Julian reached for their hands, pulling them closer to stand between his knees as he looked up at them.  “I should have been there with you.”  
  
    Joss’s face softened.  “Ilya, you’re doing important work here.”  Julian made a face and glanced away.  
  
    “Important work, _ha_.  No matter what I try, nothing works.  Even those ridiculous spells of Asra’s that I er… helped him with a few months ago didn’t work.  I feel like I’m going in circles.”  
  
    “Ilya,” dream-Joss murmured, their hands moving up to the sides of his face, thumbs gently stroking his cheeks.  “I know its discouraging, but with all three of us looking at the problem from a different angle, we’ll figure it out, I _know_ we will.”  The conviction in their voice seemed to convince him.  
  
    “Look at you, always so positive; like a bright light that makes everything better.”  
  
     Dream-Joss smiled, fidgeting with Julian’s hair.  “You’re sweet, but I’m not…”  
  
    “You _are_.  I don’t know what I’d do without you.“  
  
    Joss, the real Joss gasped.  At the dock, hadn’t Julian referred to them as a ‘bright light’ then as well.  Their head was beginning to throb, but they didn’t notice.  
  
   Julian wrapped his arms around dream-Joss’s waist, pulling them closer.  “I think we’ve earned a short break from our research, don’t you?” he asked, a cheeky smile spreading across his face.  
  
    “And what kind of break did you have in mind?” they laughed.  
  
    Julian licked his lips before leaning in to press a kiss to their lips.  What started out as sweet, gave way to hunger and Joss melted into the embrace before pulling back slightly, their eyes flicking up to his.  “Oh, _that_ kind of break,” they smirked and proceeded to lay kisses along the doctor’s jaw and down his pale neck, each time lingering longer than the last.  Julian sighed and tilted his head, exposing more skin for them to work with.  His breath hitched as their last kiss turned into a bite, their name tumbling from his lips with a whine.  
  
    With his hands on their hips he pushed them back, and with practiced fingers unlaced the top of their shirt, wasting no time in latching onto their pulse point.  Dream-Joss had to brace themself against the desk with one hand, while their other threaded in Julian’s hair, tugging sharply.  He gasped and peered up at them, the tip of his long nose brushing against the sensitive skin of their neck.  
  
    “Something wrong, darling?” he asked, face flushed, a grin playing at the edge of his mouth.  
  
    “Just because _you_ like being marked, doesn’t mean I do,” they huffed.  
  
    “But…” Julian pouted, tracing the line of their collar bone with a slender finger.  “No one else will see it,” he murmured, eyes flicking hopefully up to theirs.  Joss bit their lip, mesmerized by the hunger in his gaze.  “I promise.”  
  
    Joss’s lips twitched into a grin, giving them away.  
  
    Julian smirked before resuming his thorough teasing, slowly making his way back up to their parted lips.  His kisses quickly became more insistent, pressing Joss back further against the desk.  Without breaking from his embrace they pushed the majority of the notes and books out of the way before slipping on top of the desk.  Julian leaned them back further and further; one hand behind the back of their head to brace their neck, while the other snaked up the outside of their thigh, slipping under their skirt to hook their leg around his waist.  
  
    “Ilya, I want you.”  Their desperate whisper cut through the silence of the room, nearly masking the sound of the door creaking open.  
  
    The real Joss ripped their eyes from the phantoms in front of them, whipping toward the sound just in time to see Asra’s pained expression before he ducked back out of the room.  
  
     _Asra!_ No sound escaped their lips as they tried to call out to him.  The library darkened around them as thick fog rolled in, clouding their eyes once more.  
  
    “Asra!”  Joss gasped, jerking upright, startling Faust who was still curled up on their shoulder.  
  
    “Joss, what’s wrong?”  Their mentor was at their side in an instant.  “A nightmare?”  He asked, eyes wide with worry.  
  
    “No, I-” a sudden flare of pain shot through their head, ripping a groan from their throat.  
  
    “Joss!”  Asra’s hand went to their forehead and they felt the tingle of his magic wash over them, delving for injuries.  He pulled his hand away and looked at them sharply.  “You’re having headaches again?”  
  
    Joss closed their eyes and breathed deeply through the pain until it receded somewhat.  Their head no longer seemed in danger of splitting open at any moment, but it still throbbed painfully.  They opened their eyes and looked at their mentor, the worry painting his features smothered their anger for the moment.  Joss sighed; the accusation waiting on their lips dissolved and instead they answered his question.  
  
    “Yes,” they replied reluctantly, “ever since Nadia showed up at the shop.  The same night you left.”  
  
    “Why didn’t you say anything?”  
  
    Joss looked away and winced, instantly regretting the movement.  “It hasn’t been bad until now.”  
  
    Asra moved to sit on the bed across from Joss, folding his legs under him as he settled on the blankets.  Faust slithered over to him, winding around his waist and disappearing into his shirt.  “Joss, you can’t force your memories, you could end up doing irreparable damage.  I know you can’t remember, but this has happened before.  Many times.”  Though Asra’s voice was soothing, his words didn’t comfort his apprentice.  
  
    “I didn’t _force_ anything,” they hissed, eyes narrowing.  “Things have just started feeling familiar, and then tonight…” their words were interrupted by a sharp breath, a sudden flare of pain, just for an instant.  
  
    “Tell me about your dream,” Asra prompted, calm as ever; the tightness around his eyes the only hint of his concern.  
  
    “It wasn’t a dream,” Joss countered.  “When I was at the palace library… I saw some of your memories and this felt... the same… like I was an outsider looking in.”  They looked at their hands and took a deep breath.  “Asra, was I at the palace before… during the plague?”  Their voice was barely a whisper, but it stopped their mentor in his tracks.  
  
    Asra swallowed, clearly unsure if he should tell them the truth and risk injuring their mind further.  “Was I researching a cure with you and Julian?” Joss continued, undeterred.  “Asra, please.”  
  
    After a moment, his shaggy head bobbed.  “Yes.”  
  
    Joss took a steadying breath, not sure how to phrase their next question.  “Were Julian.  _Ilya_ … and I… were we… close?” they stuttered; their cheeks flushing at the memory of the intimate moment they’d just witnessed… _or, remembered?_  
  
    Again Asra hesitated.  “Yes.”  
  
    For a split second, Joss felt triumph at remembering something only to have the realization that it didn’t matter crash over them.  Julian was gone.  He’d left them.  The fact that the two of them had a shared past that neither of them could remember was irrelevant now.  
  
     _You put me at ease, and that’s not easy to do.  It’s like I’ve known you for years._  
  
    “Oh gods,” Joss exclaimed, clapping a hand over their mouth.  “ _Oh gods._ ”  
  
    “Joss, what’s wrong?” Asra reached out to lay his hand on their arm, but they recoiled from his touch, steeling themself against his hurt look.  
  
    “What’s wrong?  What’s _wrong_?”  All the pain, the frustration, and anger finally reached a flash point.  “What’s wrong is I can’t remember most of my life.  I can’t remember, and you’re keeping me that way!  I could know how we cured the plague.  I could know who killed the count.  I could _prove_ it wasn’t Julian!  I could fix everything, but I can’t remember, and you won’t let me!”  
  
    With each word Joss’s voice got louder, raising in pitch.  It took a lot to upset them, but when they snapped, they snapped hard.  
  
    Asra looked at his hands in his lap, his voice quiet.  “I’m only trying to protect you.”  
  
    Joss scoffed and jumped out from under the covers, quickly grabbing their clothes from the floor.  “Gods, I’m sick of that line,” they muttered, dressing in a hurry.  
  
    “Where are you going?”  Asra called after them as they stopped at the edge of the stairs, to stamp their feet in their boots and throw their coat over their shoulders.  
  
    “I have to find Julian.  I’m sorry.”  With one last pained look at Asra Joss scooped up their bag from the floor and hurried down the stairs. 

    When he heard the shop door slam behind them, Asra collapsed back on the bed and let out a forceful sigh.

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone's interested in knowing more about joss, feel free to check out their [tag](https://joz-stankovich.tumblr.com/tagged/oc%3A-Joss-Flynn) on my blog because i tend to talk about them A lot.


End file.
